Day 17: Sunflowers

Dear friends,

I apologize in advance for the quality of this post. I find my self in a murky fog, struggling to stay awake, yet unable to find sleep. I figured I'd retreat to something comforting such as this (I must admit I have taken quite a liking to this public display of my thoughts/experiences--not sure if that makes me incredibly vain or just another product of mass media and social networking culture-- regardless I am pleased within my new found comfort).

This weekend BCA (my study abroad program) took us on a historical voyage to Castillo y Leon (with many stops along the way) to learn more about different centuries and eras and their architectural stylings/ social implications. To say the least it was incredible, and I will be sure to write more about Leon later...for now my misty mind forbids me from new work, and so I want to share a journal entry I wrote while en route to Leon from Barcelona:

"Riding in what looks like a large tourist bus with nine other twenty years olds...going through the Spanish country side on the way to Castillo y Leon.

Vineyards line either side of shimmering gray asphalt-- we click along for miles- hours - attached to the road like a train on its tracks. I imagine hot purple and red grapes bathing in collectively quiet sun rays.

We are wading through thick, warm wine, flashing past an era so much different than our own.

Wind chimes dance and mingle in my head as I let the lush and lavish scene play out before me:

Piercing blue skies rest as a perfectly complimentary background for the indigo mountains-- topped with white and gray frost, as if they had been turned upside down and gently dipped into an egg white creme.

Finally, for the first time in my life, I am a traveler.

I have been outside my country before-- but only for short periods of time-- and never "alone".

Although now I am in a group, I still feel independent, and I cling onto this independence with white knuckles-- a poor man hungry for brass and gold--eyes glistening with rapturous greed, 'more, more, more'...in finding myself I am becoming content.

The only thing I am in want of at this time is my other half. And as sure as I am that this is a completely natural feeling, I can't tell you how unnatural it feels to not be able to reach out in the safety of the black night and touch equally as dark black curls for comfort. Or how disgusting it is for me to know that I have at least three more months before I am able to once again lay in complete bliss-- knowing I am in the presence of someone who makes makes me feel as though I am timeless.

I close my eyes now and see, as from an aerial view, our beings wrapped in a transparent cocoon of sparkling dust that sets in our skin, creating a shield of unawareness, of perfect ignorance to the outside world. I can only see the world in shaded and shadowed colors when it is not crystal within the clarity of our own space.

I know that if he were here, he would appreciate everything about the magic of this trip, just like I am. And I know that he wants me to have fun and feel as though I have accomplished something by the end of my journey. I want that too.

I also hope to return as a "better" version of myself. Perhaps one of the best if not the best things I have discovered about traveling so far is having the time and the change of both perspective and climate (literally) to be able to look at oneself in a different light.

To be blunt-- its hard to properly evaluate yourself. One is always biased in the opinion of oneself-- it is simply natural.

To be more blunt-- it's hard to admit when you are wrong.

Being away has helped me begin to look at both of these hardships, and with my new perspective I hope to improve myself and slowly become the person I would like to eventually be. Tranquility comes over me in waves now, letting me know that I have exhausted all my current thoughts.

I now pass through a bursting sea of sunflowers-- yellow-gold petals roll and unfold onto olive hills, caressing each concave dip and embracing the horizon with a kind of other worldly clarity-- I take this as a sign to enjoy the view and put my pen down until next time."

Besos

--A